Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
