we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
