he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
