At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
