this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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