I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize