So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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