he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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