and she was petting her beer can
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize