I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
