when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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