My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
