What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
