Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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