My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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