Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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