wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
