well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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