My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
