Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
