walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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