Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
