God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
