Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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