[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
