I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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