If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
