maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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