my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize