i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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