We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
