...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
