god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
