I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
