I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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