3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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