why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
