The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
