I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
