My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
