How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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