i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
