seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
