I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
