Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize