whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
