LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
