Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
