I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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