tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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