You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
