Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
