I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
