His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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