uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
