my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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