I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
