and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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