bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
