im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
