Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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